Today is exactly two years since I started admiring Zainab, the Waakye seller. Zainab sells Waakye in one of the traditional halls on campus, KNUST. A very zesty and aromatic Waakye, a Waakye that I can only compare to ambrosia, the food of the gods. This heavenly feast will definitely confer longevity, immortality, and lasting bliss upon whoever is fortunate to have a minute taste of any of the countable beans in it.
The good news is that, the good news is not just about the Waakye. Zainab is devastatingly attractive too, and I wish she will be my soulmate. She has a curved waist, whistling down from her bust, as smoothly as the water from Kintampo Waterfalls.
When I look into her eyes, oh my God, [na ma nane sɛ nkuto]. In her charming eyes, I see a reflection of the two of us and the imaginary life I hope we’ll share. I’m fully convinced that she’s the only one I must share the rest of my life with. Her love can surely water my desert heart.
But first things first; I must propose to her and stop this long talk. [Kasa tenten nntɔ pɔnkɔ – plenty talk no fit buy horse].
I’ve made such attempts many times but lack the confidence to preach the ever-living words to her. The courage to speak love to her has been my Achilles’ heel. My mouth can’t sing; a complete mouth POP, if you know what I mean.
So, what’s next?
My next step will be to wait patiently until school vacates in June. This will give me free access to her, and by extension, say what’s on my mind without any interruption from those jealous students.
Getting such free access has been another headache. Anytime I master the courage to speak out, students will be around.
As for this vacation, [koowa de koowa]. I promise, either I say it or I forget about her.
Fast forward, here comes the month of June. It’s time to set the ball rolling. But unfortunately, things fell apart. The plan couldn’t hold. I miscalculated. She stopped selling.
After a couple of Had-I-Know days, I came to my senses; why will she sell Waakye when students are on break? Who will buy it? Why will someone sell koko in the morning, in a Zongo community, in the month of Ramadan? Such a person, if any, will require urgent business development skills from Kumasi Hive. George will be of help. And if the person is in the northern part of Ghana, then Kawi of Upper West Hub is the right person to contact.
So, until September, I won’t see her again; and not just that, I must also pray that all other guys remain as dumb as Kaunda, the Online President.
How is that possible?
Of course, that is not possible. Other guys aren’t dumb. I know that. It’s just wishful thinking to have them as dumb as me, myself, and I.
For instance, I know of two guys who can bring home a different lady every other day. I do wonder how they go about it. If I outsource this project to any of them, I know it won’t be long and it will be done. But frankly, I feel too big in my shoes to raise my hand up and call on those who can help, that:
“There is this lady I love, but I can’t tell her.”
Apuutoɔ!
That sounds pretty damn, isn’t it? I’m a tycoon with dignity. I’m not gonna go down that low. I will be happy, very happy, messing with the waters myself. I won’t go to friends, cup in hand. Lalai!
Besides, these guys are too scary. They are companions in crime. One is a product of Kumasi High School, so we know what he is capable of doing. Kumasi High students, second-cycle students, who walk on KNUST campus as if they are PhD candidates. They know everywhere. This guy will end up working things out for himself.
The other guy is a product of OT (Osei Tutu Senior High), and we equally know them to the marrow. Those guys can walk about 30 km (from Akropɔn to Baba Yara Stadium, and back). Their only motivation is:
“There are nice ladies at the stadium, so it’s worth it.”
Akai! I won’t trust such friends at all.
Who are these guys?
No, I won’t mention any name, but as the Akan adage goes:
[akutia kɛntɛn mma, wo deɛ wo mu a wo nim]
Thus, from your deeds, you should be able to deduce if the insinuation is about you. So, I leave it to them to deduce.
Anyway, let’s move on.
This morning I was very hungry and so I decided to get Jof at the said hall. I was certain there wouldn’t be Waakye until school reopens. That’s why I’m settling on Jof (as guy-guy students will call it, especially continuing students). Freshers normally come with their local pronunciation JOLLOF and after growing horns, they turn to use the short form, Jof. That is KNUST for you.
[Dem dey flex papa]
Now, guess what!
I got close to the mini-market at the hall, peeped through the little windows, and saw the Waakye stand.
“Wow! That means she’s around,” I guessed.
Then adrenaline started rising, and my heart started beating kum kum kum. I could feel the right atrium of the heart receiving oxygen-poor blood from the body and pumping it to the right ventricle through the tricuspid valve.
[I begin dey shake]
“Be silent, Mr Heart. You have no moral right to misbehave today. You’ve failed me severally. Not this time,”
I warned my heart, seriously.
Fortunately, I didn’t see anyone around her desk.
What a perfect time!!
I began to think of what to say when I get in. The last time I bought Waakye before school vacated, I managed to have little pleasantries with her. It wasn’t encouraging though, but it was far better than my earlier attempts. Check that conversation below.
@Kaunda: Today is not a weekend, why are you not in school?
@Zainab: I have completed school.
@Kaunda: Oh ok, congratulations then. SHS, I guess, right?
@Zainab: Yes, please, SHS. Thank you.
@Kaunda: Is it a first degree or diploma?
@Zainab: What do you mean?
@Kaunda: Oh sorry, I was on the phone with someone. Not you.
Her beauty has confused me to the point of asking nonfa. So, I quickly ended the conversation, bought my Waakye, and walked away, dispirited.
But today be today!
No matter what, I will say something meaningful. The stupidity is becoming unbearable.
So, what happened?
I had no money on me, so I quickly checked the nearby Mobile Money vendor to withdraw. Unfortunately, the MoMo man was absent. I quickly hopped to Queens Hall, about 200 metres away, to get the cash-out done.
My biggest prayer was:
Yaah Allah, oh God, don’t let me come and meet students.
That will be problematic.
You might be wondering; why don’t I just ask for her number? I thought as well, but unfortunately, she doesn’t have a phone. I’ve asked for it before and she told me:
“I don’t have a mobile phone.”
Initially, I thought it was just the usual trick to kick me out, but truly, over a year now, she isn’t using a phone. I’ve never seen her with one. That means there is an iota of truth!
At Queens, I withdrew GHS 110.00.
Yes, one hundred and ten cedis.
What for? Well, as Abada of Blackstone fame will say: Wait and see!
I wasn’t going to buy the whole Waakye. No. I know I’m half dumb but not completely dumb to do that. Just relax and read on, the GHS 110 will help me execute a well-calculated trick!
And here it is:
I will give her GHS 100 in an envelope, and say to her:
“Oh, take this as your congratulatory gift for completing SHS. Kindly use it to buy a Yam phone so you can at least communicate with your SHS friends. I don’t have enough to buy the iPhone X you are worth. [Ah, anka me tɔ dodo].”
What a dreadful fib!
Kaunda is lying. A big-time liar. He has an agenda, and he is hiding it.
That is true, the writer is not lying.
Deep inside Kaunda, the agenda is to establish a medium of communication. I’m sure on phone I can say something meaningful. It might take a long time though, but I can.
Oh YES, I CAN.
Alternatively, with a phone, I can easily call her and schedule a meet at the IcyCup, Commercial Area. I can even text her occasionally to check on her. That Yam phone can achieve a lot when she gets it. So, let’s work towards that!
Now, Kaunda at Queens Hall.
Jollof Seller: You didn’t buy Jof today, my good friend.
Kaunda: Oh no, I feel like eating fufu today, so I just came to withdraw 10gh from my MoMo wallet.
That’s another fib.
This woman doesn’t know what’s about to happen in Kaunda’s life.
After the withdrawal, I realised I needed a pen to complete the plan.
“I will give her the envelope and then use the pen to write my number on her table, and tell her to let me know if she’s able to buy the Yam phone. Writing my number on the envelope might appear to show off,” I said to myself.
I did exactly that. I bought a white envelope and a black pen, and then put GHS 100 in the envelope and dropped the pen in my pocket. I rushed back to the hall, entered, walked gallantly as if that stupid heart had set me free. I got closer to the desk only to realise it’s not her. It’s another lady.
Shit!!!
I started scratching my head.
Then with inner anger, tiredness, and self-disappointment, and with no option than to buy, I said to this annoying strange lady:
“I’m buying Waakye.”
“No, it is not Waakye. It is akyɛkyɛ,” she replied.
What the f**k!
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From the book Campus Wahala: My Love Encounter with the KNUST Waakye Seller
Author: Kaunda AI | 2022